Posted By: Howietheman on
So once the election is over will saturday night have trouble with ratings. Iv never watched as much as I have since the late 80s as I have in the last few months.
I hope the writers get better or give me a job....Howie the man in ct.
Tags:
election, comedy, snl, goverment
(0) comments Leave a Comment
Flag it:Posted By: alien_abductee on
bring back journeyman
bring back journeyman
bring back journeyman
Tags:
journeyman, comedy, shows, america
(1) comment Leave a Comment
Flag it:
Posted By: Kimberly_Watley on
* LOS ANGELES — British sculptor Marc Quinn's latest creation is a $2.8 million, 110-pound solid gold statue of supermodel Kate Moss.
Sources close to Moss say, "That statue is nothing like the real Kate. I mean seriously, it's like, at least 80 pounds heavier than she is."
* MIAMI — The National Hurricane Center says Tropical Storm Hannah has formed northeast of the northern Leeward Islands in the Atlantic.
Sources close to Hannah's brother, Trace Cyrus say, "Big deal! I feel like Jan Brady! Hannah, Hannah, Hannah! What about Metro Station? What about me? How about I beat the Achy Breaky shit out of you people?!"
* LOS ANGELES — David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction.
Sources close to Agent Scully say, "When he asked me if my name meant, 'Likes getting skull-fucked,' I knew he had Triple X-Files in his head."
* SAO PAULO — A disposable diaper saved the life of an 18-month-old boy. It broke his fall from a third-floor apartment window.
Sources close to the Life Alert lady say, "I want some Depends made out of what that kid had. Then, when I've fallen and can't get up, at least I know my hips will still be intact."
* WASHINGTON — Drunken-driving deaths fell in 32 states in 2007.
Sources close to the drunks say, "Even we are having a hard time paying for gasoline. I'd like to see what statistical data they can come up with for how many of us lost our lives in walking accidents."
* Apple CEO Steve Jobs, is still alive. Bloomberg News accidentally published his obituary prematurely.
Sources close to the editor at Bloomberg say, "It was clearly a miscommunication. Our secretary, who uses a PC...with Vista... got a message from Jobs, which stated, 'I'm dead...' The message was cut off due to a Vista error. The complete message should have read, "I'm dead tired, and will be out of the office until next week. Please direct all of your questions to the great and powerful Woz."
* DAVENPORT — Hundreds of sex offenders are out of work today. The city of Davenport is following the lead of Illinois and New York, now requiring ice cream truck vendors to have background checks.
Sources close to rocket popsicles everywhere say, "You hear that perverts? No more kids slobbering your popsicles! No more sticking us up your poop chute letting kids bet how long it will take to melt us!"
* LONG ISLAND — The True North Community Church was anonymously given a winning $3 million lottery ticket.
Sources close to God say, "That was really nice, but it's no get out of hell free card. You're still going down mister money bags."
Tags:
sex, duchovny, moss, addiction, hannah
(1) comment Leave a Comment
Flag it: Posted By: Kimberly_Watley on
* WELLINGTON — A New Zealand court has allowed a parade of topless porn stars on motor bikes to take their mammary madness to Main Street. The Boobs on Bikes Parade is being protested by none other than the ghost of Dr. Seuss.
He said, "And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street, nowadays, I just can't compete. Porn stars with Harleys and Crotch Rockets too, tell me how men watching hold in their goo. I do not like boobs in the wind. I do not like them on my Schwinn. I do not like those floppy teats. I do not like seeing them blow in the breeze. I will not participate in Boobs on Bikes. And don't even think about Tits on Trikes."
* VANCOUVER — A man was arrested with his 3-year-old son during a nude bike ride. Constable Jana McGuinness said he received several phone calls from people concerned about the child's well-being. Police convinced the man to put some skivvies on himself and the child. But, as soon as the he rejoined his fellow buff biker buddies, he stripped himself and his son of their tighty whities. But before he could break out singing, "Now I'm free! Free Ballin,'" Police arrested the man.
Sources close to the bicycle seat say, "The officers should be awarded for their efforts. Have you seen how well 3-year-olds wipe? Not well. Not well at all."
Sources close to the 12-year-old sarcastic bitch that lives inside of my head say, "Why, seriously? Have you ever gotten road rash on your knee from falling off a bike? Need I say more?"
* JERUSALEM — A 1 pound, 5 ounce baby who was pronounced dead by doctors came back to life after spending a few hours in a hospital refrigerator. Her parents, were taking her to be buried and began noticing some movement.
Sources close to the miracle baby say, "You know, sometimes a baby just needs to chill."
Tags:
babies, news, snl, comedy, boobies
(1) comment Leave a Comment
Flag it: Posted By: Kimberly_Watley on
* TORONTO — In the wake of a bus attack in Canada, where a man beheaded
and cannibalized another passenger, Greyhound has scrapped a billboard
ad campaign. The ad's punch line was "There's a reason you've never
heard of bus rage." The company believes the ad, launched last year,
could be viewed as offensive or inappropriate, since the grizzly killing.
Sources close to the 12-year-old sarcastic bitch that lives inside of my head say, "You think?!"
* MARATHON — A grandmother was arrested for driving around a parking
lot with a 3-year-old child sitting on the roof of her car. The woman
contends she was, "driving at a snail-speed" and "holding the child's
leg" while she was "giving the child some air and letting her have fun."
Sources close to my grandmother say, "That's the trouble with law
enforcement today. Kids need to be out in the fresh air having fun, not
sitting on their lazy asses playing video games. The police need to
mind their own business."
Sources close to grandmothers everywhere agree, saying, "Move over
Grand Theft Auto! Here comes Granny's powder blue Buick thrill rides."
* HOUSTON — Evangelical pastor Joel Osteen's wife, Victoria is being
accused of behavior that wasn't very Christian-like. Victoria is
accused of assaulting Continental Airlines flight attendant, Sharon
Brown. Brown is suing Victoria because since the incident, she suffers
from anxiety and hemorrhoids... plus her faith was affected, which has
cost her thousands in medical expenses and counseling.
Sources close to lumpy sphincters everywhere say, "Air travel itself brings out the best in us."
Sources close to Sharon Brown say, "How can you have faith in God or religion when your anus is flaring in burning itching pain? There is no God."
Sources close to Joel say, "Halleluiah! I'd like to thank the
good lawd for showing the world that this beautiful wife of mine is
indeed possessed by the devil himself. Amen!"
* NEW
ZEALAND — A 110-year-old tuatara named Henry, is the oldest rare
lizard-like creature ever to mate. After 40 years of abstinence, the
pre-historic creature's caretakers realized that Henry had a cancerous
tumor on his scaly sac. Once removed, Henry has been hitting lizard
bitches up left and right. In March, Henry mated with Mildred, whose
age is estimated between 70 and 80. Last month, she laid 12 fertile
eggs.
Sources close to Henry say, "Who's your daddy?"
Sources close to Mildred say, "We're going to have to go on Maury to be
certain. See, old Henry's eyes sure aren't what they used to be 80
years ago. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, he was hitting the
wrong hole. And I'm a Cougar at heart, so when Henry lay down for an
afternoon nap, I had my way with a 25-year-old tuatara named Troy."
* KNOXVILLE — Multiple emergency service members responded to the scene
of a house explosion. After their arrival, an additional 10 explosions
occurred. Officials think ammunition and fuels inside the home may have
caused the blasts.
This is the third explosion at the same
address, according to investigators. Explosions were reported in
November of 2003, and April of 2001. Both were presumably caused by
propane leaks.
Sources close to the 12-year-old sarcastic
bitch that lives inside of my head say, "If your house has a history of
blowing up, shouldn't you move, or maybe at least not have ammo and
fuel laying around all willy-nilly?"
Tags:
news, comedy, police, olympics, greyhound
(2) comments Leave a Comment
Flag it: